Frozen Entree

Facing the North Compass and it's in the fridge, ice is under the entree and over it up crystalizing around it the cold is like a capsule put the entree on the counter and it takes a prescribed amount of time to cook and cook you will (the late night musings of a tipsy girl searching in the freezer for something to eat)

Two Beers and A Question

The couple came in exactly twelve minutes before closing. They were laughing quietly and scanning the room. She sat in the inside of the booth and he slid in next to her. It looked like they might have been expecting another couple. The waiter approached and welcomed them, asking if they wanted to hear the specials. They looked at each other and laughed again. After ordering martinis they began to whisper and seemed to get very serious. She asked him to let her out of the booth to go freshen up. He hesitated but stood up and let her go. She was nervous and realized all the other patrons were aware of her movement. Her date lit a cigarette and tried to look unworried. A rush of cold air as the door opens. Two men walked in. They seat themselves at the bar and order two beers. They are aware of the man sipping his martini, alone in the booth. Several minutes pass by. The man looks anxiously towards the hall the woman went into. He wonders if she is refreshing her makeup. He thinks she looked stunning. He knows that she is always concerned about her appearance though. She is shy and confident at the same time. He has been studying her for several months now. He wonders how much she knows about what is really going on. As his face reveals his worry, she reappears and crosses the room towards him. He quickly recovers. But not soon enough, she notices his concern and asks him if everything is okay. He moves so she can resume her place in the booth. As he gets up, he sees the men at the bar gesture in their direction. He wonders if his plan is a good one after all. He brought her here, a public place, as insurance for his own safety. Now, he wonders if he should have used her this way. He sits down with her again and begins to tell her jokes. She giggles and relaxes. He does not. The men at the bar down the rest of their beers and order two more. The bartender tells them he has already called last call before they got their first drinks. One man stands and pulls his jacket aside. The bartender makes an exception. The waiter comes over to the table and tells the couple that the joint is closing and asks them to pay the bill. The man gives him some cash and says to “keep the change”. It is at this point that the two men take their beers and slide into the booth opposite our couple. The man says, “You took your time.” He is asked for a dossier. The man says it is in the car; would the men like to join him outside. This idea is rejected and the two tell him that the girl will stay there, and the man should hurry back with the briefcase. He reassures the woman with a pat on the thigh and leaves to retrieve the men’s object of desire. She has no idea what is going on, but she knows that it could be dangerous. The man she is with works for her husband. Her husband is away on business and she was told that the man was going to stay with her for company. Now she is wondering if he has other jobs too. She’s been asking herself so many questions lately. What does her husband really do? Why are there always so many men coming to the house? Why doesn’t he want her to accompany him on any of his business trips? Where is he? What is a dossier? But now, the real question finally becomes the most important question of all: IS SHE SAFE? all rights reserved

dresses

 I took down the hem because I was tall,

taller than my mother had been,

taller than my grandmother,

thin as both,

playing dress up in hand me downs,

wanting to wear pink and be a girl,

but fitting into overalls better,

twirling around the back bedroom,

getting caught and in trouble for not asking first,

then being dressed up like a doll in hats and crinolines,

laughing like a child,

wearing the clothes of other generations.

How different we all were at our different times in history.

That fading pink dress with bolero,

full of memories, not just mine, but theirs,

and now in my closet. 

That fading pink dress that no longer fits my adult frame,

hanging carefully in the back of the closet.

That fading pink dress that brings her back.

A precious piece of history and just a fading cotton dress.

I took the hem down because I was tall.

concert anticipation

 

That shadowing area as you enter the crowd, leave behind the awkward light of the single bulb over the bar, to be swallowed by the bodies that sway to yet un-played rhythms; waiting for the band to begin, they vibrate with anticipation. It takes a moment to adjust to the dim, but then she appears in the crowd, a spotlight only you can see guides you to her smile, and you begin to relax and then the two of you dance and sway and suddenly no one else is there.

Flirting (akwardly)

We lean against the same bar,

watching the band, 

every time you shift your weight, 

I feel it in my back, 

I try not to look, 

not to feel you, 

but I want to feel you.

Holiday Angst

This is not one my typical posts. It isn't a little tiny story or a "poem" The holidays are so hard for so many of us, but somehow it feels like we shouldn't say anything about it. We shouldn't be glum, we shouldn't dread the company Christmas "Holiday" Party, we shouldn't feel like skipping Thanksgiving this year, and we shouldn't let any one know that watching the kids open presents isn't the joy to us that it should be. My holiday issues aren't as bad as some, but I still feel a little guilty. I feel like I shouldn't really dread the 8 hour plus drive, alone, again. I should be excited to see my family, and I am. I just wish I had a family of my own. I have no partner, no children. I'm the one who moved away, so by power of majority, I'm the one who has to travel. I've never even thought to invite my family to come south. I know they wouldn't anyway. I don't have a place for them to stay. Maybe if I had a big house, or little kids, or lived in a vacation spot, it would be different. But it's not. So, I have to travel. I love to travel. I really do. But. There's something there I can't really but into words. I know I shouldn't complain at all. Anyhow, the last few years have been different with the global pandemic. People are excited to gather and celebrate now that it is clearing up. But some of us, like me, aren't ready for all that attention again. I'll be the one trying to melt into the couch or standing just outside the doorway. I skipped Thanksgiving this year. I skipped Friendsgiving this year. Being with a bunch of people wears me out. I live alone now, I do everything alone. I work from home: no water cooler banter for me. I love my job and being able to work from home. I don't know. It's not perfect. It's great and I'm thankful, but something is missing. Everyone thinks if you work from home, you can work from your bed, in your jammies, or while you watch TV or play with your pets. But I have a job to do. I can't mess around. I do my laundry sometimes during work hours. But loading and unloading the machines is less time than some people take for smoke breaks. I do enjoy using my own bathroom, having access to my kitchen, and my music. It's a sweet gig. It is. But it is making me anti-social and lonely and wanting people all at the same time. Back to Christmas. I miss my mother so much at Christmas. I miss being little. I miss traditions. We only have one little left in our family and she just became a teenager. So, everything is different now. And I have a homesickness for a time and place I'll never get back. I love Christmas lights. I always have. But even those aren't the same. People now have those giant inflatable things on the lawns, or they decorate too much, or the colors are off. I am an old soul, I guess. I have a particular kind of Christmas decoration that I love, and no home of my own to decorate. Even Christmas music annoys me now. I've only had one New Year's Eve that came close to my dream date. And then it turned weird. I want to wear a cocktail dress and go to a beautiful place with a handsome partner and dance the night away. I want to be adored and have someone to adore back. And I have. I have been adored. But I haven't had my dream come true. There's this word Hiraeth. It means homesickness for a place that doesn't exist. Hiraeth: a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past. That's how I feel. More so at the holidays. So, if you see someone being a wall flower at the holiday party or drinking too much eggnog or waiting til everyone else has filled their plate at a holiday meal, give them some extra love, because they probably feel like me. Just don't be surprised if you need to approach them with a hanky handy. I wish anyone reading this a very Happy Holiday Season!

I've done all this and still....

I've taken some broad strokes at life, I've made some tiny masterpieces, I've colored my world rose by wearing those glasses, I've been blinded by love, I've been shocked awake by loss, I've painted memories to look different in my mind, I've added color to gray days, I've glossed over my mistakes, I've muted the sunshine with my cloudy feelings, I've turned black into red. I've collaborated, I've done solo shows, I've been part of groups, seminars, classes, I've been to the school of love and the school of loss. I've looked at beauty and not recognized it, I've seen something pretty in a drab, dark space, I've done all this and still....