Holiday Angst

This is not one my typical posts. It isn't a little tiny story or a "poem" The holidays are so hard for so many of us, but somehow it feels like we shouldn't say anything about it. We shouldn't be glum, we shouldn't dread the company Christmas "Holiday" Party, we shouldn't feel like skipping Thanksgiving this year, and we shouldn't let any one know that watching the kids open presents isn't the joy to us that it should be. My holiday issues aren't as bad as some, but I still feel a little guilty. I feel like I shouldn't really dread the 8 hour plus drive, alone, again. I should be excited to see my family, and I am. I just wish I had a family of my own. I have no partner, no children. I'm the one who moved away, so by power of majority, I'm the one who has to travel. I've never even thought to invite my family to come south. I know they wouldn't anyway. I don't have a place for them to stay. Maybe if I had a big house, or little kids, or lived in a vacation spot, it would be different. But it's not. So, I have to travel. I love to travel. I really do. But. There's something there I can't really but into words. I know I shouldn't complain at all. Anyhow, the last few years have been different with the global pandemic. People are excited to gather and celebrate now that it is clearing up. But some of us, like me, aren't ready for all that attention again. I'll be the one trying to melt into the couch or standing just outside the doorway. I skipped Thanksgiving this year. I skipped Friendsgiving this year. Being with a bunch of people wears me out. I live alone now, I do everything alone. I work from home: no water cooler banter for me. I love my job and being able to work from home. I don't know. It's not perfect. It's great and I'm thankful, but something is missing. Everyone thinks if you work from home, you can work from your bed, in your jammies, or while you watch TV or play with your pets. But I have a job to do. I can't mess around. I do my laundry sometimes during work hours. But loading and unloading the machines is less time than some people take for smoke breaks. I do enjoy using my own bathroom, having access to my kitchen, and my music. It's a sweet gig. It is. But it is making me anti-social and lonely and wanting people all at the same time. Back to Christmas. I miss my mother so much at Christmas. I miss being little. I miss traditions. We only have one little left in our family and she just became a teenager. So, everything is different now. And I have a homesickness for a time and place I'll never get back. I love Christmas lights. I always have. But even those aren't the same. People now have those giant inflatable things on the lawns, or they decorate too much, or the colors are off. I am an old soul, I guess. I have a particular kind of Christmas decoration that I love, and no home of my own to decorate. Even Christmas music annoys me now. I've only had one New Year's Eve that came close to my dream date. And then it turned weird. I want to wear a cocktail dress and go to a beautiful place with a handsome partner and dance the night away. I want to be adored and have someone to adore back. And I have. I have been adored. But I haven't had my dream come true. There's this word Hiraeth. It means homesickness for a place that doesn't exist. Hiraeth: a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past. That's how I feel. More so at the holidays. So, if you see someone being a wall flower at the holiday party or drinking too much eggnog or waiting til everyone else has filled their plate at a holiday meal, give them some extra love, because they probably feel like me. Just don't be surprised if you need to approach them with a hanky handy. I wish anyone reading this a very Happy Holiday Season!