Exploring

I don't know about you, but I just adore the words explore, exploring, exploration. I'm a curious person. I like to get out there in the world and explore. Paths into the woods, dirt roads, famous attractions, not so famous attractions, parks, little towns, they all interest me. But exploring means so much more. I'm exploring myself right now. I'm trying new things. I'm looking for things that give me spark. I just entered three of my photos into an online photo contest. The theme was color. These are the three I entered.

The competition includes seasoned professionals as well as amateurs like me. But, I'm hopeful. Perhaps at least, I will get some feedback from the other photographers on the website.

It's this kind of exploration that I believe we should never stop. I have been untrue to myself for many years. I forgot how great it was to not only explore outside but to explore inside my personality and soul, also. Let's all of us, keep exploring!

Mid Life Crisis

I've been being a little more personal on this blog of late. I'm still going to keep sharing my little bits of prose and stories, but this blog is also advice.

I've been home for over a month now. I was previously going into the office as an essential employee, even though I could work from home. I had a cubicle and only one other employee was in the same room with me. We did have "strangers" coming in, but they stayed in the conference rooms or lobby. The only potential problem were the public bathrooms. But we navigated it with sanitizer wipes and Lysol spray.

But now, I'm home. I'm taking classes online, researching job opportunities, filling out applications, posting resumes, and hoping to find a new direction for myself.

I'm single, living alone, and at a career junction.

I've been working on myself. I've started another blog. (Sharlene Explores) I'd love to be more creative and use my skills and talents in a new career.

But how do you find that opportunity? And how do you jump at a chance? How do you prove that you can do something that you've never done before? It would be amazing if I could just be creative, write non-stop, take pictures, travel around and tell the world about my adventures, but I need income.

So, my plan for now is to take every rainy day and spend it teaching myself new skills. Udemy, Creative Live, and Linked In learning are my go to websites. And I'll keep up the job search for income. I'll do my gig work. I'll gather abundance in every way I can think of. And I will use every sunny day to explore and take those pictures and write up those adventures. Just because I'm alone right now, doesn't mean I should be lonely or sad. Sure, I would like to be out of this limbo, but maybe this has all happened at the exact right time for me. I have to be in control.

I'm the only one that can live my life. I have many good years left. It's time to live for me.
And you my readers, are the only ones that can live your lives. Remember that.

Okay, now I have Bon Jovi, "It's my life." running through my head!
https://youtu.be/vx2u5uUu3DE

Quiet

Quarantine Health

I'm talking to my friends during this "social distancing" period we are living in and I've noticed a couple of things that I think are worth mentioning.
 A daughter of a friend of mine, who is very active and lives in Los Angeles, where they have stay at home orders in place, told him that to combat the boredom, she has been working out a lot. She said she's going to come out of this "prison fit". I've also noticed on Facebook and Instagram lots of people doing all those work out videos and exercise classes that are free online right now. In my own neighborhood, people are outside walking, playing with their kids, riding bikes, and generally trying to keep themselves entertained as family units during time outdoors.
 But then, on the opposite end of the spectrum are the people that are stocking up on liquor and wine and just sitting on their couches from coffee time to cocktail time.
 I feel like I'm moving back and forth on the spectrum. It's been a few weeks of staying in after work and now, a few days of  staying home all day. It's weird, but I find I'm loosing my appetite. Until the sun goes down and then I'm antsy and looking for something to snack on.
So, I plan to be more active. I have the time off. I'm going to start riding my bike. I can do that six feet away from other people. I'm going to challenge myself to improve my body. I saw someone had put their bikini on the fridge door to remind them not to snack. #beachgoals I have a dress that I can't wear anymore. Maybe I'll hang it up in my living room. I'll print up some pictures of myself at a size that made me happy and stick them up all over the apartment. Because you know that we are going to have to squeeze a lot of this summer, making up for lost patio time, when this virus releases us from it's reign of terror.
I'm going to appreciate, love, honor, exercise, train, and care for this container I live in! It is the only one I have, after all!

The Driver - at the end

So, I just read those two pages I wrote that started a little story called The Driver. Unfortunately, it's over. The story just fell apart in my head. Sometimes, when the muse hits you have to stick with it until it's done, because if you put it down, you will not be able to pick it back up.

I've been going through a lot of change this year. Circumstantial and otherwise and I feel like maybe it's time to refocus on me. Get out of survival mode and get into thrive mode. Of course, there's this little flu bug that's going around that seems to overshadow even those good intentions.

We will stick it out together. I'll be back soon.

INDECISION

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU,
BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

I'M NOT GOOD AT MAKING DECISIONS. 
I'M NOT SURE WHEN THIS STARTED. HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?
I WANT SOMEONE TO GUIDE ME. WHY DO I GIVE OTHER PEOPLE SO MUCH POWER?
I'M GOOD AT HELPING OTHERS MAKE DECISIONS. I'M GOOD AT GIVING ADVICE.
WHY AREN'T I GOOD AT CARING FOR MYSELF? PUTTING MYSELF FIRST?
I'M ALWAYS AFRAID THAT I'LL MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE FOR ME, OR WORSE, THAT MY CHOICE WILL MAKE ME LOOK BAD, SELFISH, OR PETTY, OR THAT SOMEONE ELSE WILL NOT APPROVE OR WILL BE HURT OR ANGRY BY MY CHOICE.

MY COMPANY WILL ALLOW ME TO WORK FROM HOME. BUT I'M STILL COMING IN BECAUSE I CAN'T MAKE THE DECISION TO SAY I WANT TO WORK FROM HOME. I KNOW THAT IT'S CLEAN IN MY OFFICE. THERE ARE ONLY THREE OF US IN MY ROOM AND THERE'S PLENTY OF SPACE BETWEEN US. WHILE THERE ARE TWO OR THREE OTHER EMPLOYEES THAT COME AND GO THEY ARE IN THE OTHER ROOMS. THE BATHROOM WE USE IS LOCKED BUT OTHER OFFICES HAVE KEYS. I USE PRECAUTIONS. I WASH MY HANDS A LOT. WE USE LYSOL AND SANITIZING WIPES. NO ONE AROUND ME HAS BEEN SICK. I THINK IT'S SAFE HERE. BUT IF I GET SICK, I'M ALL ALONE. MY FAMILY IS IN NEW ENGLAND. I'M SINGLE. NO KIDS. NO PETS. I'M ALREADY ALL ALONE. BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS DECISION. 

I WANT TO GO BACK TO WRITING CUTE LITTLE STORIES AND PROSE FOR THIS BLOG. NOT WORRYING ABOUT A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. MAYBE THAT'S WHAT I REALLY NEED. TO WRITE A CUTE LITTLE STORY. I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT I DECIDE. 

COVID 19

By now, I'm sure that everyone is "sick" of hearing about this virus.

I feel like everything has happened so very fast. I deal with some depression and anxiety and have just (8 months ago) suffered the loss of a relationship that I was very invested in. My life has been in turmoil; I've had to move twice, I lost my picture of the future, and I was forced to take a really hard look at myself.

While I am in therapy and have built a great team of advisers and health professionals to help me, I've been actually pretty overwhelmed and haven't taken the time to really process some of what's been happening. I've been keeping myself really busy. Sometimes too busy to reflect.

On March 9th, I spend the evening with two of my best friends. We weren't talking about Covid at all. I'm not sure if we had even heard about it yet. And then, not two weeks later, our local St. Patrick's parade is cancelled! In just two weeks I went from blissfully unaware to so aware that I considered not going to one of my best friend's house for the weekend to spend some time before she moves across the country next weekend. I almost missed being with her because I was afraid of the unknown. We've been hearing news from all over world about all this sickness, and death. We've heard  about so many cities, provenances, and even countries being on "shelter in place" restrictions. Everyone is trying to flatten the curve of the infection. And while, I'm totally on board with this "social distancing" and self quarantine, I also really worry about the effect it is going to have me and my depression and anxiety. I am so glad that it is spring time and it's light outside. I don't think I could handle being so alone and full of anxiety during the dark and cold months.

Last week, I was so stressed out that I forgot to wear green on St. Patrick's for the first day in years. And I'm part Irish.

I'm really very thankful for a friend who spend a couple of hours on the phone with me last week, "talking me down", and expressing his own fears. This virus is new. We don't know how it is going to react, we don't know how it will end, we don't know if the things we are doing are going to be enough to keep us and our loved ones healthy. All we can do is follow the guidelines, stay informed, stay at home, and be hopeful. I've talked to my friends and my team and I know this will possibly be a lonely time, but I have paint by numbers to do, books to read, a lovely deck to sit on, a bike to ride, and friends that I can call on the phone. I have this computer and this blog. I can write, I can create, I can appreciate, and I can make it through this challenge. If you have friends with mental health problems, even friends without, make sure you check in with them, text, call, video chat, Facebook, message, email. Stay connected, but stay at home.

Wishing everyone, good health and happiness.
Sharlene