Quiet

Quarantine Health

I'm talking to my friends during this "social distancing" period we are living in and I've noticed a couple of things that I think are worth mentioning.
 A daughter of a friend of mine, who is very active and lives in Los Angeles, where they have stay at home orders in place, told him that to combat the boredom, she has been working out a lot. She said she's going to come out of this "prison fit". I've also noticed on Facebook and Instagram lots of people doing all those work out videos and exercise classes that are free online right now. In my own neighborhood, people are outside walking, playing with their kids, riding bikes, and generally trying to keep themselves entertained as family units during time outdoors.
 But then, on the opposite end of the spectrum are the people that are stocking up on liquor and wine and just sitting on their couches from coffee time to cocktail time.
 I feel like I'm moving back and forth on the spectrum. It's been a few weeks of staying in after work and now, a few days of  staying home all day. It's weird, but I find I'm loosing my appetite. Until the sun goes down and then I'm antsy and looking for something to snack on.
So, I plan to be more active. I have the time off. I'm going to start riding my bike. I can do that six feet away from other people. I'm going to challenge myself to improve my body. I saw someone had put their bikini on the fridge door to remind them not to snack. #beachgoals I have a dress that I can't wear anymore. Maybe I'll hang it up in my living room. I'll print up some pictures of myself at a size that made me happy and stick them up all over the apartment. Because you know that we are going to have to squeeze a lot of this summer, making up for lost patio time, when this virus releases us from it's reign of terror.
I'm going to appreciate, love, honor, exercise, train, and care for this container I live in! It is the only one I have, after all!

The Driver - at the end

So, I just read those two pages I wrote that started a little story called The Driver. Unfortunately, it's over. The story just fell apart in my head. Sometimes, when the muse hits you have to stick with it until it's done, because if you put it down, you will not be able to pick it back up.

I've been going through a lot of change this year. Circumstantial and otherwise and I feel like maybe it's time to refocus on me. Get out of survival mode and get into thrive mode. Of course, there's this little flu bug that's going around that seems to overshadow even those good intentions.

We will stick it out together. I'll be back soon.

INDECISION

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU,
BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

I'M NOT GOOD AT MAKING DECISIONS. 
I'M NOT SURE WHEN THIS STARTED. HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?
I WANT SOMEONE TO GUIDE ME. WHY DO I GIVE OTHER PEOPLE SO MUCH POWER?
I'M GOOD AT HELPING OTHERS MAKE DECISIONS. I'M GOOD AT GIVING ADVICE.
WHY AREN'T I GOOD AT CARING FOR MYSELF? PUTTING MYSELF FIRST?
I'M ALWAYS AFRAID THAT I'LL MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE FOR ME, OR WORSE, THAT MY CHOICE WILL MAKE ME LOOK BAD, SELFISH, OR PETTY, OR THAT SOMEONE ELSE WILL NOT APPROVE OR WILL BE HURT OR ANGRY BY MY CHOICE.

MY COMPANY WILL ALLOW ME TO WORK FROM HOME. BUT I'M STILL COMING IN BECAUSE I CAN'T MAKE THE DECISION TO SAY I WANT TO WORK FROM HOME. I KNOW THAT IT'S CLEAN IN MY OFFICE. THERE ARE ONLY THREE OF US IN MY ROOM AND THERE'S PLENTY OF SPACE BETWEEN US. WHILE THERE ARE TWO OR THREE OTHER EMPLOYEES THAT COME AND GO THEY ARE IN THE OTHER ROOMS. THE BATHROOM WE USE IS LOCKED BUT OTHER OFFICES HAVE KEYS. I USE PRECAUTIONS. I WASH MY HANDS A LOT. WE USE LYSOL AND SANITIZING WIPES. NO ONE AROUND ME HAS BEEN SICK. I THINK IT'S SAFE HERE. BUT IF I GET SICK, I'M ALL ALONE. MY FAMILY IS IN NEW ENGLAND. I'M SINGLE. NO KIDS. NO PETS. I'M ALREADY ALL ALONE. BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS DECISION. 

I WANT TO GO BACK TO WRITING CUTE LITTLE STORIES AND PROSE FOR THIS BLOG. NOT WORRYING ABOUT A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. MAYBE THAT'S WHAT I REALLY NEED. TO WRITE A CUTE LITTLE STORY. I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT I DECIDE. 

COVID 19

By now, I'm sure that everyone is "sick" of hearing about this virus.

I feel like everything has happened so very fast. I deal with some depression and anxiety and have just (8 months ago) suffered the loss of a relationship that I was very invested in. My life has been in turmoil; I've had to move twice, I lost my picture of the future, and I was forced to take a really hard look at myself.

While I am in therapy and have built a great team of advisers and health professionals to help me, I've been actually pretty overwhelmed and haven't taken the time to really process some of what's been happening. I've been keeping myself really busy. Sometimes too busy to reflect.

On March 9th, I spend the evening with two of my best friends. We weren't talking about Covid at all. I'm not sure if we had even heard about it yet. And then, not two weeks later, our local St. Patrick's parade is cancelled! In just two weeks I went from blissfully unaware to so aware that I considered not going to one of my best friend's house for the weekend to spend some time before she moves across the country next weekend. I almost missed being with her because I was afraid of the unknown. We've been hearing news from all over world about all this sickness, and death. We've heard  about so many cities, provenances, and even countries being on "shelter in place" restrictions. Everyone is trying to flatten the curve of the infection. And while, I'm totally on board with this "social distancing" and self quarantine, I also really worry about the effect it is going to have me and my depression and anxiety. I am so glad that it is spring time and it's light outside. I don't think I could handle being so alone and full of anxiety during the dark and cold months.

Last week, I was so stressed out that I forgot to wear green on St. Patrick's for the first day in years. And I'm part Irish.

I'm really very thankful for a friend who spend a couple of hours on the phone with me last week, "talking me down", and expressing his own fears. This virus is new. We don't know how it is going to react, we don't know how it will end, we don't know if the things we are doing are going to be enough to keep us and our loved ones healthy. All we can do is follow the guidelines, stay informed, stay at home, and be hopeful. I've talked to my friends and my team and I know this will possibly be a lonely time, but I have paint by numbers to do, books to read, a lovely deck to sit on, a bike to ride, and friends that I can call on the phone. I have this computer and this blog. I can write, I can create, I can appreciate, and I can make it through this challenge. If you have friends with mental health problems, even friends without, make sure you check in with them, text, call, video chat, Facebook, message, email. Stay connected, but stay at home.

Wishing everyone, good health and happiness.
Sharlene

CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S

This holiday season doesn’t seem like a holiday season just yet. Christmas is just a little over a week away and I’m just not in the mood. I can’t be in Connecticut with my family. I can’t be with Mike and his family. Our relationship of nearly 8 years is, well, I can’t really say over, but it is just so very different. He says we can’t be a couple anymore. But he loves me. And I’m lonely. I miss him. But I have to prove myself to him and to myself. Maybe if I can do that…. I just don’t know. But instead of wallowing in the sadness of it all, I’m going to do something alone. I’m going on an adventure. Sure, it will just be one day in late December, but it will be my day. And then there will be celebrations later in the week with friends, and New Year’s. The turn of the year is always so nostalgic and bitter sweet. I always have such high hopes. I’ve never had that perfect night. I’ve had some close ones. But somehow they never live up to my dreams. It’s probably my own fault. I don’t plan anything. I don’t get the dress. I don’t get my hair done. I procrastinate and wait until it’s too late. But this year, like many before, I will go on my First Day Hike. I will go outside and welcome the New Year with a walk in the woods. And I’ll feel better for a little bit. I’m going to keep chin up, while looking
ahead, and keeping an eye out for things that I could trip on…eyes on the trail doesn’t mean to never look up. You are out here for a reason. Take it all in.

The Driver - page two

Susan sat quietly while she listened to this story. Working intake was always so hard; hearing the stories from these youngsters that were just trying to find their way in the world after so much heartache. This particular story hit home, she had the felt the same loneliness, shyness, self-doubt, and had been an unintentional runaway herself. She had found this mission when it seemed like there was no hope left. She had been afraid that she would end up under the control of the pimp that had been trying to recruit her or dead in some alleyway. Dylan’s Mission had been there and helped her figure out how to be a young adult. She hoped she could help this kid do the same.

The story she heard seemed to be missing some key details. Like where had this kid come from? She had no idea how many miles that old car had been driven, only that the driver wasn’t about to lose it. She didn’t know if there were any extended family she could contact, didn’t know if anyone might be searching for them, didn’t know where to begin. But begin, she must.

She found the driver a cot at one of the mission’s shelters, along with a job interview, and made a promise to move the car to the storage yard behind the main mission building. This driver might be staying here for a little bit but that car would be here when the time came for moving on.