Thursday, June 13, 2013

This is not a poem.

This is not a poem.
This is just me trying to figure something out.
I don't like to feel jealous. In fact when I get jealous I also feel ashamed of myself. I know that I should be happy for the person that has something that I'd like to have, for the person that experiences something that I'd like to experience, or the person that just has things easier than I do. I know that we all walk our own paths and that to bring things into your life that you want you have to do it yourself. But every once in a while it seems to me that some people just lived charmed lives. They just get stuff. How do they do it? And why doesn't that happen to me? And then if I stop and really think about it, there is probably plenty in their lives that they don't want or don't enjoy too. It just isn't obvious to me. Who knows what inner struggles other people have? Even you, reading can't really understand what it feels like to feel my emotions to the degree that I myself feel them. I can try to paint a vivid picture with these words, but I will never know if I've fully succeeded. I want alot more in life than I have. But to be perfectly honest, I probably could have more if I really wanted it. Do I really want more than I have? Sure, I'd like to travel more. I'd like to have a larger salary. I'd like to have a bigger home. I'd like to have opportunities to expand my horizons. But, in reality, the person that keeps me from those things is really me. I could work harder. I could be more frugal. I could live in the moment a little more than I do. I could continue my education and get a degree. That might open some doors. I could find ways to travel. I could have pretty things. I could go on life affirming trips. I could get out of my jealous mood and have the things I covet. So that is probably where the shame comes from, from knowing that I'm not being who I want to be. I want to be happy for others and I want to be inspired by them. And usually I am. It is just now and then that jealousy rears it's ugly head and clouds my judgment. So, next time I feel jealous, I'll have this to read. And I'm hoping that it works things out for me, the way it just did. It's okay to want things for yourself, as long as you are willing to be honest and do the work to get those things. It is not okay to feel bad for yourself that you don't have something nice if you have the ability to achieve it. It is a good thing to be surrounded by people who do more and succeed. This shows me that it can be done. And then all I have to do is decide if I want to do or have it too. Because if I do, I can. And sometimes, if we really evaluate the things we are jealous of and the "rights and responsibilities" of having those things, we might realize that we don't really want that part. I'm thinking about a bigger, better, job here. Do I really want to be stressed out and on edge with a job with more responsibility and more liability. Probably not. The paycheck would be good, but I might not be cut out for a different lifestyle. So maybe a little jealousy once in a while is actually a useful thing. It can be a catalyst to change. A reminder that we have to be aware of opportunities and challenges. That we have to be aware of ourselves and our needs and wants and our own limitations and strengths. I'm not going to beat myself up over this. I was comparing apples and oranges. And everyone knows that nothing rhymes with Orange. :)

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